Coffee
by blue alien
Summary: My first fanfic. you will have to find out how it relates to coffee. R&R, PLEEZ.
1. the beginning

Disclaimer: None of this is mine. Give Tolkein the credit. Except maybe the coffee. (oops, I lied. Nothing is mine).  
  
One day the Fellowship was wandering around Middle Earth in complete and total randomness. Every one was very bored. Except for merry and pippin, who were trying to invent a computer.  
  
Gandalf walks over to merry and pip. "what are you guys doing?"  
  
"nothing much" answered merry.  
  
"oh shut up, merry, you don't know anything. I'm obviously the brains in this project. We're inventing a computer, gandalf. Not that its any of your business"  
  
merry shoots dark look at pippin.  
  
Gandalf raises his eyebrows. "how can u invent something if u already know what it is?"  
  
"good question.Pippin?"  
  
"I see how it is, merry. Just lay all the blame on poor old pippin. This is obviously your mistake. I never should have let u be in charge of this."  
  
Merry raises his eyebrows (I know, I know, there is a lot of eyebrow raising going on), in a manner that shows this is nothing new to him.  
  
"you know, guys, I just may be able to help you with this one" said gandalf helpfully. He turns away from merry and pippin, and mutters something. There is a burst of light, and sparks fly. "there you go. Have fun!" gandalf walked off to the rest of the company, leaving merry and pippin in the clearing by themselves.  
  
"nice going, smart one. How are we supposed to make money if any old wizard can whip up a computer in a matter of seconds" complained pippin  
  
"I don't know. I never really thought any farther than making the computer" responded merry miserably.  
  
"where did you get the idea for a 'computer' anyways?"  
  
"uuuuuuuuuuuh.."  
  
Legolas bursts into the clearing. "thank goodness! These things work so much faster than waiting for elf-post" he cried as he runs to the computer, and starts clicking away rapidly.  
  
"hey, how did you know about our computer!" exclaims merry suspiciously.  
  
"uuuuuuuuuuuuh..you know, word travels quickly when there's only nine of us" said Legolas.  
  
"I see" said pippin.  
  
Merry pippin walk to the far corner of the clearing, muttering to eachother, and occasionally shooting dark glances at Legolas. Meanwhile, Legolas is oblivious to all his he checks his fan mail.  
  
"good old Lorry, always one to keep in touch! I do love to hear from her, *scans down the page*, ah, Bernard. Never did like him that much, but he certainly is a loyal fan."  
  
This sort of never ending commentary streams continually from legolas as he reads, rereads, and reads again his millions of fan mails.  
  
*Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the rest of the fellowship has gathered. Unfortunately, gollum has joined them*  
  
Aragorn, as he slips on a pair of pink fluffy earmuffs: "goodbye, world of pain. If anybody needs me, just tap on my shoulder."  
  
Gollum is continually wailing in pain and agony about how he wants his precious.  
  
"you know, we probably don't want frodo to end up like this, do we? Maybe I should hang onto the one ring for safekeeping. What do you think, aragorn?" screams gandalf over the racket gollum is making. He turns to Aragorn, but alas, Aragorn is humming and smiling, and looking generally like his new best friend is the peace pipe. How much peace can you handle?. (sorry, I had to include that).  
  
"good idea, Gandalf. But you know that even now, he gets very angry if you take it away from him" said boromir.  
  
"we need something else to get him addicted to, and gollum too. But what would be powerful enough to draw them away from the ring...  
  
Dun-dun-dun..  
  
Will gandalf be able to save frodo and gollum? Will the rest of the Fellowship go insane before Gandalf thinks of something? And most important of all.will Merry and Pippin ever get their computer back? Next chapter will have all the answers. Please R&R. I need 3 reviews before I can put up the next chapter. This is my 1st fanfic, so I'm sorry if it isn't all that great. 


	2. the plot thickens

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Tolkien gets the credit.  
  
While Merry and Pippin are still trying to get their computer back from Legolas, Gandalf and Boromir are busy trying to think of something that would get Frodo and Gollum out from the one ring's "grasp". Sam approaches the two of them, not sure if he should be listening or not.  
  
"oh well," thought Sam to himself, "I will just play the part of innocently curious, though I can tell they are worried about Mr. Frodo.  
  
"I can't think of anything more powerful than the one ring that would unleash those two from its power. What about you, Gandalf?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Well, I think I might have an idea, but I'm not sure if a remember the proper ingredients." trailed off Gandalf uneasily.  
  
Sam steps in between the two of them.  
  
"hey guys, whats happening?" said Sam.  
  
"of course, why didn't I think of it before!" exclaimed Boromir suddenly, "sam, you know Frodo well, what kind of things does he really like?"  
  
"Uuuuuuh..the One Ring?"  
  
"We already know that one." Said Gandalf impatiently.  
  
"OH! He does have this one painting that he left in his hobbit hole. That might help, but I don't really know what you want it for" continued Sam mischievously  
  
Neither Boromir nor Gandalf took his hint, and still Sam had not been clued in.  
  
Boromir and Gandalf continued to whisper to eachother, and Sam felt very left out.  
  
"oh, nevermind. I don't really care about them anyway. But I wonder..maybe I should have told them that the painting he really likes is actually a picture of the One Ring. Oh well. Serves them right for not telling me anything," thought Sam.  
  
Sam wandered back into the clearing. Seeing Frodo and Gollum wrestling over the One Ring, he decided to try talking to Aragorn. Aragorn was at the far end of the clearing, still oblivious to all thanks to his pink fluffy earmuffs.  
  
There was a piece of paper taped over Aragorn's face, that said "if you want to talk to me tap on my shoulder".  
  
"simple enough," thought sam to himself, "of course, I don't think Aragorn has had much experience with pink fluffy earmuffs. They give you pleasant thoughts, of couse, but once you put them on, you often have a tendency to want to keep them. Old Took had a pair, and it was like an addiction for him"  
  
"oh no, what am I saying!!! Whatever plan it is Gandalf and Aragorn think of, I should tell them we need an antidote for Aragorn too" exclaimed sam.  
  
Frodo looked up for a split second from his wrestling match, at sma's cry. "hello there sam. I'm a bit busy at the moment but if you are dying, or something really important, I might be able to help you in a few minutes" said Frodo.  
  
Sam tapped Aragorn on the shoulder. He hit him on the shoulder. He slapped him on the back. He punched him the ribs. That seemed to revive Aragorn a bit, as he threw a return punch at Sam. Soon, they too were wrestling, though Aragorn still had his earmuffs on. Sam's many curses (*!@# you, you $*@#%!& @&^#!%^!!!) fell on deaf ears.  
  
Wondering where Gimli has been in all of this? Actually, he is trying to build up some muscles, and he wants a facelift, or something to make himself look better. You see, Gimli is now crazy for fangirls. He saw Legolas's lifestyle, and decided it wouldn't be so bad. I am sorry for those gimli fans out there, but the tale of how gimli tried to get fangirls will have to be told another time.  
  
Back to the storyline.  
  
Gandalf and Boromir are still trying to think of what to do.  
  
"earlier you seemed to have an idea, just before Sam walked up" said Boromir  
  
"ah, yes. You must mean coffee" answered Gandalf  
  
dun dun dun!!!  
  
"what the heck is coffee?" said Boromir  
  
"something addictive. It comes from another dimension. In that dimension, they have been taken over by coffee. The people's lives in that place revolve around coffee. If we had to resort to that, then we would have to be very careful in making sure that only gollum and frodo were to drink any of it. Coffee is very powerful, and should only be used in cases of exetreme necessity" said Gandalf, his voice lowering to a quiet whisper.  
  
"that sounds a little dangerous"  
  
"well, its better than frodo or sam being driven crazy by the One Ring. Coffee is the only way to save them. Of course, gollum might be beyond saving, but we can always try"  
  
"I suppose you are right, Gandalf. As usual," said Boromir with an air of finality.  
  
"that's settled, then. Coffee is very powerful, and once I make some. You MUST NOT drink it. And make sure no on else does either. For now, lets not tell anyone else. Of course, they will all find out eventually.  
  
Pleez R&R!!!!!!!!!  
  
Stuff will actually start getting sometime soon (in my opinion) 


	3. the coffee is served

Disclaimer: none of this is mine. Its all Tolkien's  
  
Returning to gandalf and boromir.  
  
"Should I step back?" asked boromir, not wanting to get hurt.  
  
"no, its not the making of the coffee that dangerous, its drinking it. You can watch if you want" responded Gandalf.  
  
POOF! A cloud of purple smoke rose. Before Gandalf and boromir stood.  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
A coffee maker!  
  
"darn! I forgot the electric plug-in" exclaimed Gandalf, hold up a cordlike piece of plastic with to metal spikes coming out the end.  
  
Another POOF! Of purple smoke, and, hovering in midair was a white rectangle, with 2 little dents in it.  
  
"you see?!," said Gandalf to Boromir, "this is where you plug in the coffee maker!" said Gandalf, pleased that as the coffee maker flew through the dimensions it hadn't taken any damage.  
  
Boromir looked lost and confused. "sure, whatever" he said, pouting because for once he didn't understand something.  
  
Gandalf continues to go through the traditional steps to make coffee, which I'm sure u are all familiar with.  
  
"oh great, now boromir is mad, frodo and gollum are fighting, merry, pippin and legolas are arguing, aragorn is wearing his pink fluffy earmuffs, so I guess the only sane ones left are me and sam," thought gandalf to himself, "I suppose I should round everyone up and tell them what is going on"  
  
Gandalf soon discovered that there were more problems than he imagined. First, he managed to separate sam and aragorn, and told sam to go and get merry, pippin, and legolas.  
  
POOF! A cloud of purple smoke rose from aragorn's head, and suddenly gandalf was holding aragorn's earmuffs  
  
"WAAAAAAAH!!! My precious! Give me my precious! Nasty wizardses, very tricksy, go get their own precious, why don'ts they? Leave us alone, gollum, gollum" wailed aragorn loudly.  
  
"oh lord help us" said gandalf aloud, looking up to the sky.  
  
Meanwhile, sam was having troubles of his own.  
  
Luckily for him, merry, pippin and legolas were not wrestling, but they were screaming at the top of their lungs. (or at least some of them were).  
  
"LOOK, LEGOLAS, WE OBVIOUSLY NEED TO DESTROY THE COMPUTER BEFORE EVERYONE IN MIDDLE EARTH WANTS TO CHECK THEIR EMAIL!" screamed merry.  
  
"fanmail, not email, at least for some of us" corrected legolas, "ah yes, Rosie, wonderful little lady, did you know she's cheating on sam for me, but then again a lot of people are. Bothilda! Haven't heard from her in ages! Terrible name, wonderful personality..Luthien..Beorn at the Carrock (please tell me somebody has read the Hobbit) ..Lorien wants to meet me at the gates of Mirkwood. There are no gates to enter the forest, only to enter the castle. Ah well, sorry Lorien, I'm visiting with the old Fellowship..Faramir.I really should go and visit him.Eowyn, too.they make a wonderful couple.."  
  
And on, and on, and on.  
  
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO MERRY! EVERYONE IN MIDDDLE EARTH IS GONNA WANNA CHECK THEIR FANMAIL AND/OR EMAIL!" pippin yelled.  
  
A random dwarf walks into the clearing.  
  
"excuse me, may I please check my email?"  
  
"why certainly, help yourself" said legolas courteously, stepping away from the computer.  
  
"I'm not surprised he doesn't get any fanmail. He's obviously never gotten a facial in his life, and his lips are so chapped and cracked, they look like the stripes on a zebra. He definitely, majorly needs a manicure, too, and he needs to get some fashion sense. The braided beard thing is definitely out, and you never wear black traveling boots with a brown cape. My god, everything about this guy says loser" whispered legolas to pippin.  
  
"yeah, definitely.."  
  
"of course, if I really wanted to convince you of his lack of fanmail, then I would go into detail. You wanna know the details? The thick and thin of it?"  
  
"no thanks, I think I can recognize them myself," replied pippin.  
  
Once the dwarf had left, sam stepped into the clearing.  
  
"oh hey sam, wanna join us?" said merry jovially, then turning to legolas, "LOOK! THE CROWDS ARE ALREADY FLOCKING! THAT LITTLE DWARF IS GONNA GO AND TELL ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! WE NEED TO DESTROY THIS COMPUTER RIGHT NOW!"  
  
"ok, sure" answered legolas," surprisingly agreeable, "does anyone have a hammer?"  
  
"holy crap," said merry, his jaw dropping, "that was too easy. whats the catch, legolas?"  
  
"no catch. Now that I have checked my fanmail, I don't care what you do with this computer"  
  
"see, guys, you didn't need to do all that yelling" said sam, glad that his job had turned out so easy  
  
"but earlier."  
  
"he was being impossible."  
  
"don't know what happened."  
  
"surely there is a mistake."  
  
"is legolas skitsofranic."  
  
"now, now, stop mumbling, you two. I repeat, does anyone have a hammer?" said legolas.  
  
In a matter of minutes, the computer had been reduced to a tangled heap of junk.  
  
Sam, merry, pippin, and legolas headed off to the other clearing. Unfortunately for Gandalf, Aragorn was harder to satisfy  
  
"now aragorn, I have something much better than pink fluffy earmuffs. There is something called coffee" said Gandalf.  
  
"tricksy, tricksy, thinks he's tricksy. Can't tricks us, we're too smart for tricksy" mumbled aragorn.  
  
"where's the precious, where is it, save us, save us!" cried gollum.  
  
Frodo had tired of wrestling, and had dug a hole and buried the precious. He was now sitting on the spot of its burial, calm and content to remain there until the end of the world.  
  
Gandalf proceeded to tie gollum to a tree and stuff a handkerchief in his mouth.  
  
Aragorn received the same treatment.  
  
Boromir had finally stopped pouting, and was back to normal when sam, merry, pippin and legolas arrived.  
  
"good, everyone is here. Now, you all understand that the One Ring is very dangerous, and even though the war of the ring is over and sauron is completely destroyed, no buts, for some strange reason the ring has come back to frodo. To ease the pain of desire for both frodo, gollum, and aragorn, who had a run-in with the Old Took's pink fluffy earmuffs, I have something called coffee."  
  
everyone: oooooooooh, aaaaaaaaaaaaah!  
  
".well, anyways, I just wanted everyone else to know, so that they won't be surprised if frodo, gollum and aragorn act a little different than usual, its because of the coffee. Now, absolutely no one else can have any of the coffee. It is highly addictive, and I am only using it as a last resort to save these poor three souls. We will now bring forth the coffee! Boromir!" finished gandalf  
  
Boromir brought forth three steaming mugs full of coffee on a golden platter (one of the best made by the men of Westernesse. purchase one on ebay today!)(limited time only!)  
  
"legolas, unbind their hands" commanded Gandalf  
  
legolas proceeded to do so, and boromir followed behind, giving aragorn, frodo, and gollum each a mug of coffee, eyeing them with envy.  
  
Let the insanity begin!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I'm sorry its taking me so long to get to the actual coffee, but I'm doing my best to speed along the process!!!  
  
Please R&R! 


	4. random insanity

Disclaimer: its all Tolkien's!  
  
May the madness begin!!!!!!!!!  
  
As soon as aragorn, gollum, and frodo had gulped down their steaming coffee, complete silence descended on the Fellowship. Everyone was waiting for something to happen.  
  
"cough, cough, hack, hack..coffee, scalding my throat, burning..pleasantness..precious..don't leave me..earmuffs..more coffeee..nooooooo..precious..tricksy stole it from us.." choked aragorn.  
  
"does anyone know CPR?" asked pippin, sounding worried.  
  
"not to worry, pippin. The coffee is just taking control of aragorn. He is gonna be the first to go. Its going to be harder for the coffee to take over frodo and gollum, because the power of the one ring will attempt to resist the coffee. Resistance is futile! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!! SOON ALL WILL GIVE IN TO THE POWER OF THE COFFEE!"  
  
moment of silence, even from aragorn. Everyone is extremely shocked, and all stare in surprise at gandalf.  
  
Gandalf looks around, a scared expression comes onto his face, "oh no, did I just say that out loud? Oh dear, oh goodness! The coffee is taking over me, and I haven't even drank any of it yet! This is terribly dangerous for me, the coffee is gaining control of my mind! Boromir, you must stay with me at all times. You must make sure that me, and no one else either drinks any of the coffee! It may control my mind, and if that happens then everyone must do whatever boromir says, he understands the coffee pretty well, he will know what to do. Now, we can sit back and enjoy the show. Its going to be interesting watching these three's wills be bent towards the coffee.  
  
Still shocked silence, then the fellowship starts whispering among themselves, leaving gandalf by himself.  
  
Gandalf starts whispering to himself, "never know, they must never know. Too much pain, too much pain. Resist it, gandalf, resist it. You can do it. Only a short time now, you can do it"  
  
"what the heck is up with gandalf?" whispered pippin nervously to legolas  
  
"I don't know, but he has never been like this before. And boromir, too. I don't understand this. Everybody is different now. Too much tension, too much tension! Oh no, this is giving me a tangle! And I don't have a hair brush with me! WAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
sam, who had figured something like this would happen at the fellowship get- together, had brought a brush with him. Legolas quickly calmed down, but he was the only one at ease.  
  
Frodo and gollum had started having what looked like contortions, but only merry and pippin noticed. Soon the two of them were perched on a tree branch, with two extra extra extra jumbo tubs of popcorn, and two of the same size sodas.  
  
"gee, this is the best show I've ever seen. Its even better than wrestling!" exclaimed merry  
  
"this is totally awesome" said pippin. Don't ask why he started talking like a surfer.  
  
"pip, why are you talking like a surfer?  
  
"dude, like, I dunno know. It guess it just sorta happened. Like, dude, this is, like, gnarly" said pippin  
  
"oh please" grumbled merry, returning to watching gollum, frodo and aragorn.  
  
Soon, gollum was dancing the tango with a tree, his webbed flopping everywhere.  
  
Frodo started singing "man, I feel like a woman". Think shania twain.  
  
"dun da na nana dun dun. Man, I feel like a woman!" sang frodo crazily, as he magically got that 'country singer' accent.  
  
Frequent "dude!"s, and "totally awesome"s could be heard from up a tree. Hmmmm, I wonder...  
  
"this is soooo screwed up. It looks like you and me are the only sane ones left, legolas" said sam  
  
"yup" said legolas vaguely, "I never thought I would be glad to have a hobbit as a companion"  
  
while legolas turned the strange events of late over in his mind, sam was trying to figure out if an elf had just complimented him or not.  
  
Will sam and legolas be able to rescue everyone else from their insanity?  
  
Is the rest of the fellowship really insane? And wuts up with gandalf? Find out next chapter! All the secrets will be revealed!  
  
Sorry this one wuz so short and lame, folks. The next chapter should be a lot better! Stay tuned!  
  
R&R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEEZ!!!!!!!!! Oh, and thank you frodo girl for the frodo singing idea! Attention rest of the world, don't look for that idea in a review from frodo girl, cuz she emailed it 2 me! Thankx!!!!!!! 


	5. random insanity with 4 hobbits and an el...

Disclaimer: none of it is mine!  
  
Merry and pippin are still perched up in the tree, oblivious to all the insanity that surrounds them (except, of course, the ravings of aragorn frodo and gollum).  
  
"I don't know about you merry, but I'm running a bit low on popcorn" said pippin  
  
"my Coke is almost out" replied merry  
  
"lets go and get some refills"  
  
"but this show is too good, I don't want to miss a minute of it" exclaimed merry  
  
both sit in silent thought for a few minutes. (merry and pippin have slow- working minds)  
  
"HEY!" cried pippin, "I've got an absolutely spiffing idea!"  
  
"oh great, now we're talking british" mumbled merry.  
  
"british. Hmmmmm.wonder where I got that word. I guess I'm going insane. Ah well, mum always said it happens to every Brandybuck once a month. Girls have something different happen on a monthly basis though.Erm, that was a bit uncomfortable. Oh dearie me, merry, you really have lost it. You're talking in your head, and you keep bringing up uncomfortable subjects. Ah yes, pop always used to say 'leave the thinking for those high and mighty important people'. 'never humor yourself, merry, for you are merely a hobbit in this big wide world. Try and be important, and you'll just get yourself in trouble"  
  
"HA! I certainly told him! Look at me now, daddy-o! I am good friends with all the famous folk from songs, and reckon a fair number have been sung about me! You see, pop, hobbits are quite an important peoples!"  
  
pippin stares at merry worriedly.  
  
"merry, are you OK? Can I tell you about my idea now?" asked pippin  
  
"oh yes, I'm fine. Wait, did I just say something out loud?"  
  
"um, yes. Something about songs and daddy-o. merry, maybe we should go and talk to gandalf." said pippin  
  
"no, really, I'm fine, I was just talking to myself, and then I accidentally started talking out loud, and it was all a big mistake, nothing bad. Gandalf doesn't need to be bothered by the ramblings in my head. See pippin, listen to me, I'm normal, perfectly normal. Nothing wrong here. No problems now, and there never will be any. Perfectly normal, nothing wrong, perfectly normal, nothing wrong.". Merry's voice rose to a high pitched hysterical scream, then quieted back down to mumbling.  
  
"oh dear, gandalf had better know what to do with him. Merry certainly is a nervous wreck" thought pippin, full of concern for his friend.  
  
Meanwhile, legolas and sam had decided that the situation was hopeless, and had seated themselves down at the foot of the tree, waiting for everyone else to either have a heart attack or shut up and calm down. Neither had happened so far.  
  
Sam was just about to drop off, and have a pleasant snooze with dreams that he was back home with rosie (after the war of the ring ended, sam was never much of a traveler), when there was a loud kerplunk!, and a shapeless form that was mumbling incoherently (big word, go me!) landed in the bushes right next to him.  
  
legolas immediately jumped up and fitted an arrow to his bow  
  
(sexy AND brave, isn't he wonderful!)  
  
"who goes there? Boromir, is that you?" said legolas loudly  
  
"sorry guys, didn't mean to scare you. Hobbits may be made of tough stuff but that does NOT mean that I am willing to haul merry down a tree" squeaked the unmistakable voice of a hobbit from up the tree.  
  
"oh lord, they're getting lazier and lazier, these hobbits" mumbled legolas  
  
"I HEARD THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled sam and pippin at the same time, just as pippin leapt down from the tree.  
  
It looked quite dramatic, like a painting titled "Two Hobbits Whoop an Elf's Butt", but pippin has bad aim, and instead of landing on legolas he fell into the bushes. Two muffled cries explained that he had landed on merry.  
  
"this is hopeless" said legolas, remembering the good old days when all quests had consisted of silent, experienced elves from mirkwood, "ah well, this is what happens when stick for all those 'accepting' people like aragorn. At least I have fun"  
  
"merry, how many times have we gone over the aerial attack? Look DOWN before you jump. Always remember to aim!" said sam exasperatedly (oooh, big word!)  
  
"sure. maybe next time, sam" moaned pippin  
  
"for God's sake, help the poor little halfling!" cried legolas, worried about merry and pippin.  
  
"but he screwed up our attack the elf plan!" protested sam  
  
"hey! There was an attack the elf plan! I thought we were getting to be good friends" said legolas as he helped up pippin  
  
"thanks..." moaned pippin  
  
"well, the plan was formed when we thought you were a snotty, good-for- nothing, useless, rude, mean, suck-uppy elf" answered sam as he hauled out merry from the bushes  
  
"nothing wrong, perfectly normal, nothing wrong, perfectly normal.." mumbled merry.  
  
"gosh, I didn't think I was that bad" said legolas, sounding dejected.  
  
"well sorry, but actually I don't think it was all as a fair share of terrible stories about you have been thoroughly circulated throughout the vicinity (me and my advanced that bad. As time wore on you turned out to be too nice to be a villain, and we didn't want to have to pick a new villain, so we made you seem horrible. I strongly suggest you never visit The Shire, vocabulary) (  
  
"right..." said legolas, "okay then, moving on, where are boromir and gandalf?"  
  
"ummmmm...maybe we should look around for them. But remember how gandalf went all cooky with the coffee? He may have drank some of it" said pippin. "what about merry?" asked sam as pippin and legolas started walking away  
  
nothing wrong, perfectly normal, nothing wrong, perfectly normal..." merry continued to mutter  
  
"for god's sake will some one shut him up!" screamed legolas  
  
"maybe we should just leave him here. No one's going to hurt him if we just stuff him back in the bushes" suggested pippin  
  
"fine, but I don't think that's safe.." trailed off sam  
  
"whatever we do with him, pant, pant, stuff a handkerchief, pant pant, in his mouth, pant pant!" yelled legolas, who was now hyperventilating.  
  
"nothing wrong, perfectly normal, nothing wrong, perfectly normal...."  
  
"FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEBODY SHUT HIM UP!!!!!!"  
  
sam proceeded to stuff a handkerchief in merry's mouth, and then threw merry in the bushes  
  
legolas, pippin, and sam walked off to find the rest of the fellowship  
  
dun dun dun......  
  
I know, the whole fic has reverted to pure insanity, and I probably shouldn't have spent so much time on the hobbits and legolas, but it is so fun to make merry and pippin do crazy things  
  
R&R PLEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is a bit long, but the next one will actually make important stuff happen. (I know, I know, I always talk about "the next chap" but sorry, it has become an incurable habit) also, didn't I just use so many big words!!!! Lol !!!! 


	6. of porcupines and hip flasks

Ok, I get the feeling this fic is getting too long so there will probably only be one more chapter after this one!  
  
The fellowship has gotten back together in yet another clearing in the woods, including frodo, who has somehow trotted off to mordor and destroyed the one ring. He met up with gimli, who helped him. Oh, and frodo also killed gollum (thank god).  
  
"now that the ENTIRE fellowship has finally gathered, I have something very important to tell you all..."  
  
loud drumroll, probably merry and pippin banging on sam's cooking pots  
  
"hey, those were expensive!" cried sam  
  
"well, it helps build the excitement!" yelled merry and pippin  
  
"ahem!" coughed gandalf loudly  
  
"oh, sorry"  
  
"yeah, didn't mean to ruin your speech"  
  
"won't happen again"  
  
"anyways, it turns out that the coffee is actually a benefit to your health. So, everybody drink some NOW!" screamed gandalf  
  
boromir passes out steaming mugs of coffee.  
  
"ummmmmmmm, are you sure?" asks gimli, "balin would probably tell me to stick to my hip flask"  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU! DRINK IT ALL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled gandalf  
  
"well, since I have missed out on a lot of the fun already, I will just stick with my hip flask" said gimli  
  
"FINE! BUT EVERYBODY ELSE BETTER DRINK UP!" screamed gandalf  
  
still nobody has touched the coffee  
  
"you know gandalf, I think that you may have had a little too much coffee yourself. So we'll just ship you off to the hospital and set the coffee aside" said legolas wisely  
  
elrond randomly pops up.  
  
"gandalf, I know you long to be wiser and more powerful than me and galadriel, but it impossible, ad it is even more impossible to dominate middle earth with coffee"  
  
"now I feel stupid and useless" says merry and pippin dejectedly.  
  
"same here"  
  
"me too"  
  
"this sucks"  
  
"dammit!" (that would be gimli)  
  
"I know! Lets all have a big party, and everyone can get a ... ...you guessed it! HIP FLASK!!!!!!!!!"  
  
entire fellowship screams in insane joy, and soon they are all drunk. Everyone is very happy, except for gandalf.  
  
"world domination....how could my plan fail....this is horrible....need another evil plan...now must curl up like a porcupine and hibernate" mutters gandalf crazily.  
  
Soon gandalf has taped some straws to his back (porcupine quills) and is rolled up in a ball in the corner.  
  
"do porcupines hibernate?"  
  
"I don't think so, pip" answered merry  
  
"he's pretty drunk" said elrond  
  
"on what?" asked gimli  
  
"god knows"  
  
"who really cares, lets just get on with the party" said legolas  
  
soon, the entire fellowship is so drunk (on whiskey) that they all decide to be a porcupine. Isn't that a horrible mental picture: the fellowship, all curled up in balls with straws on their back.  
  
"I can't believe these are our modern heroes" says elrond, shaking his head mournfully.  
  
So, the lame ending to Coffee is porcupines. It was all very ending, and I write horrible endings, but oh well. Tell me what u think!!!  
  
R&R! PLEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
